Tuesday, 27 September 2011


Sycophantitis is a debilitating virus that has been known to drain the life and soul of thousands of individuals across various social demographics in the Uk. If untreated, it can have widespread effects on the environments of both its sufferers and those around them. The gullible or intellectually challenged are amongst its most likely victims, as are a group who might be referred to as 'the young and stupid', along with those whose personal ambition can be demonstrably shown to exceed any levels of natural ability. All are more likely than average to catch some form of Sycophantitis at some point in their lives.

The most common symptom of Sycophantitis is what would appear to be a voluntary decision on the part of the sufferer to desist from either thinking or speaking for oneself. Communication is reduced to simple nods, or the parroting of/agreement with the last words spoken by an authority figure in the group. These traits, potential signs of Sycophantitis which should be detected early, may be referred to amongst non-sufferers as 'arse-licking', 'brown-nosing' or 'industrial-scale lackeying'. If you hear these terms in an environment with which you are familiar, then there is a strong possibility that one or more of its inhabitants has indeed fallen victim to Sycophantitis.

For obvious reasons, outbreaks of mass Sycophantitis are most common in environments where the inhabitants operate on a rigidly hierarchical structure. This is partly because the presence of another harmful virus, Egotitis, creates the conditions in which Sycophantitis is able to rapidly spread. Egotitis usually occurs in large, jumped up, overblown organisms that are especially fond of hearing the word 'yes' (like a reverse man from Del Monte, if you will). Sycophantitis and Egotitis, are chemically renowned for reacting perfectly with each other, and  have been known to produce a mutant strain called Malignus Lexis Extremis, which you might hear being more commonly referred to as Political/Management Speak or Bollocks.

Malignus Lexis Extremis is of course highly dangerous, and is capable of spreading with sufficient speed to infect the entirety of a large environment overnight, thereby rendering its inhabitants and their interactions with each other utterly useless. Political Parties, State Departments and Corporate Organisations have all been decimated by serious outbreaks of Sycophantitis and Egotitis, with the potentially fatal Malignus Lexis Extremis often the inevitable result (the British Royal Family have been known to simultaneously unleash widespread Sycophantitis on the general population and Malignus Lexis Extremis on broadcasters). Many are still feeling its devastating effects now, in some cases decades after the original outbreak - this is partly a result of these strains developing in such a way so their sufferers have no idea that they are afflicted by them.

None of Sycophantitis, Egotitis or (god forbid) Malignus Lexis Extremis can be cured as such, although a 'charity' (which actually receives around half of its funding from the taxpayer) is by all accounts working diligently to find one. When faced with an environment that has fallen to either Sycophantitis or Egotitis, the best course of action is to isolate all traces of either virus, making sure to dispose of them safely so they do not come into contact with non-sufferers - a small island, where Malignus Lexis Extremis could develop in total isolation, would be most preferable as long as it did not become popular with tourists. Take care and I'll catch you soon.

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